


when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

by RaineyDay



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [12]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Family Feels, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Minor Istus/The Raven Queen (The Adventure Zone), Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29451375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineyDay/pseuds/RaineyDay
Summary: Febuwhump day 14: "I didn't mean it."The goddesses Istus and The Raven Queen have worked closely together for many years. They respect and love each other, and to show that love and respect, they do not infringe upon each other's rules for the world.But sometimes, they look at a certain twist of fate, of life and death, and soundlyrejectit.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Magnus Burnsides & Davenport & Merle Highchurch & Lucretia & Lup & Taako, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), The Director | Lucretia & Everyone, The Director | Lucretia & Taako
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138502
Comments: 9
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey, friends!! so this one does not align with the prompt all that well, because I started writing it, and then I just kept on writing and writing and writing, and we are going to get to the prompt itself, but it's gonna take a hot second, and I'm currently a little swamped. So for now, have this more, ah 'inspired by' attitude to the prompt, and I promise you, this will be continued at a later date.
> 
> title from Taylor Swift's 'my tears ricochet' which is kind of the ~vibe~ of this whole fic, tbh

Taako lay on the bed, smirking up at Kravitz at he got ready.

It wasn’t often that Kravitz had cause to look dressier than his usual, but Taako greatly appreciated it when it happened.

He especially appreciated the fact that he wasn’t expected to go with him on this occasion, and therefore was free to lounge on the bed in a robe and watch his boyfriend instead.

Taako enjoyed getting to dress up and look good, of course, but it had been a long week already and he wanted to relax more than he wanted to fuss around with formal wear.

“How do I look?” Kravitz eventually asked, fiddling with his buttons.

“Hot,” Taako offered.

“I kno- I mean, more specifically, do I look okay for a professional occasion?” Kravitz responded, shooting Taako a mildly annoyed look.

Taako started cackling at the beginning of his words. He loved when his boyfriend was feeling confident.

“You look like a very professional and attractive reaper, alright? Could tempt a death criminal into trying to loosen those buttons and muss you up a little bit,” Taako grinned, standing and moving into Kravitz’s space.

Kravitz pressed a quick but disappointingly chaste kiss to his lips and pulled back.

“But not right now, of course,” he said, raising an eyebrow at Taako. “No death criminal fucking until I get off shift.”

“Boo!” Taako complained, but he let Kravitz pull away despite it. Krav had a tendency to get nervous about being late to things. It hadn’t been an issue when his only priorities were death; death wasn’t strict about timing. Early became on time became late in immediate transitions. You couldn’t beg out of the consequences of being a few minutes late for death by blaming traffic. He didn’t need to worry about sleeping or eating or any of the internal reasons to keep track or time, and he’d found himself not recognizing the way that time moved in the mortal realm very well when he first began spending a lot more time here.

Much as Taako would love to spend more time with his man, he knew how much it mattered to Kravitz that he be on time for things, and he wouldn’t worsen his anxiety just for a few kisses that could easily be delayed until the evening.

“I won’t be long,” Kravitz said, expressing softening. “The ceremony itself is fairly brief, and the planning session never takes very long either.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Taako waved a hand dismissively. “Secret mission time, whatever.”

Kravitz smiled and leaned in to press another kiss to Taako’s lips, then his forehead, and pulled out his scythe.

“I love you, darling,” he said.

“Back at ya bones,” Taako smiled.

-

The job had called for Kravitz only, so Lup and Barry had stayed back. Taako sought out his sister once Kravitz had left, both because he loved her and to pester her for details.

Kravitz had said that the mission would be a bit different than usual, and that it might take place over a longer interval than usual. Taako did not like the sound of that. Kravitz had assured him that he’d have more details for him after the mission planning session he was headed for tonight, but maybe Lup could give some insight before that.

Lup was curled up on the sofa in the living room, doodling. She’d started the habit to remind her fine motor skills of how to work in her new body, but she realized that drawing random shapes and lines on the paper was a nice way to relax and let her kind drift as well.

Taako flopped down next to her, glancing over at the paper. It was mostly just squiggles, as always. Lup wasn’t aiming to draw anything in particular. She didn’t have the desire or the talent to do so- unlike Luc-

“Where’s Barold? He didn’t get pulled into the job too, did he?” Taako asked.

“Nah,” Lup said, setting her pencil and paper to the side. “He’s in the lab, since Krav’s away.”

“Cat’s away, the mice will play,” Taako grinned. 

“Gotta have some plausible deniability,” Lup said.

“You know how long it’s gonna take? Make sure your man doesn’t get caught by mine,” Taako warned. It wasn’t a real concern. Barry didn’t do anything that Kravitz would really arrest him over. But it was nice to talk about Lup’s husband and his boyfriend in the same sentence. To remind himself that they were both happy, that they had a family, that they’d made it.

“No, I don’t really know anything about Kravitz’s mission,” Lup rolled her eyes.

Plus it let him pry for information while still sounding considerate. It didn’t fool Lup, of course, but it was the thought that counted. 

“You don’t know anything?” Taako asked.

“Not really! I know the vague idea behind it,” Lup offered.

“Which is?”

“So its about an agreement between the Raven Queen and Istus. Way back, they were at odds with each other, but then eventually they came to terms with each other and eventually fell in love, all that," Lup explained. "And on their anniversary, to show that they aren’t at odds anymore, they work together to ‘pardon’ somebody who would have died. Like, they don't bring back somebody dead, because RQ won't set a precedent like that, but she and Istus work together to make a plan to stop a death that was going to happen. Apparently it's usually deaths from illness or accident or suicide or self-sacrifice. That kind of thing."

"Okay, chill. What's my boyfriend's role in that though?" Taako asked.

"It's his job to actually implement the changes in the real world. Istus and RQ handle the godly shit, but someone's gotta make sure the death is avoided in the Material Plane too," Lup said.

"And how long's that gonna take?" Taako complained, dropping his head on Lup's newly-corporeal shoulder.

"I don't know bro! He said he'll know more about the details and timeline after the meeting today, would you chill out about it?"

"Fine, whatever," Taako rolled his eyes. He knew she was right. There was no point getting himself worried and worked up before he even knew what was going on.

"Should we get them, like, a card or something?" Taako asked. "What's the social protocol here?"

"I think people outside the relationship only do stuff for big anniversaries. And we already got them the gift of 'saved the universe' so I think we're good for a while," Lup shrugged.

-

Kravitz was not back before dinner. Taako tried not to let that bother him. He said that he wouldn't be long, but he hadn't given a specific time frame. Taako had assumed that meant before dinner, but he hadn't actually asked, so it wasn't a big deal.

As the hours slipped by though, it became harder and harder to assure himself of that.

It helped that almost everyone was home. Davenport was on a break from exploring for a couple weeks, and so he was spending it with them, of course. The kids were all on break from school as well. There was life and conversation and affection everywhere he looked, which helped to distract him from his worries.

It was when he was trying to get to sleep that they truly resurged, pinning him to the bed with helpless nerves. Kravitz had been gone all evening when he'd said he'd only be gone a short time. Something was wrong, Taako was sure of it.

But he couldn't bear to do anything about it. He couldn't go to find Lup or Barry and ask them to check on him. Because that would prove him right. At least for now, he could still believe that Kravitz would be home soon.

He must have fallen asleep eventually, because he woke from fitful dreams to feel a body sliding into bed behind him. He tensed for half a second before he recognized it.

He immediately rolled to face Kravitz, ready to complain about how late he was and demand kisses and affection for the worry he'd put Taako through.

But before he could, he registered the expression on Kravitz's face, and all thoughts of his own problems vanished from his mind.

Kravitz had been crying. He looked tired and sad and _afraid._

"Baby, what's wrong?" Taako whispered, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.

Kravitz shook his head without saying a word.

"Did something happen?" Taako asked, feeling a slight twinge of guilt for his earlier annoyance. He wasn't sure what exactly could have happened to bother Kravitz this much that he wouldn't already know about, but clearly something was upsetting him.

"No, love, nothing's happened," Kravitz assured him. Taako wasn't actually all that assured by it regardless.

"So crying in the dark is just your new normal then?" Taako prompted, raising an eyebrow at him.

"It's- just the mission I've been assigned," Kravitz finally offered. "I can't tell you much. My Queen has forbidden me from speaking about the matter with living beings- or other Reapers before you pester Lup and Barry about it- until she says the word."

"You can't say anything?" Taako asked. The question was so much different that the wheedling of earlier in the evening with Lup. He didn't like not knowing what his boyfriend was doing or when he'd be back, but he _hated_ knowing that his boyfriend was suffering and he could do nothing to help.

"I don't know that anything I could offer would be much help anyway," Kravitz replied. "You can't fix it."

"Is there anything I can do?" Taako asked, heart hurting at the sight of fresh tears on Kravtiz's face.

"Just this," Kravitz said. "Just stay here with me."

"Always," Taako assured him.

He pulled Kravitz into him and let him cry into his shoulder, making sympathetic noises at him in lieu of anything more productive to offer until Kravitz fell asleep.

Taako liked to sleep most nights, but he decided to trance instead tonight. If Kravitz woke up upset, he'd know right away. He'd be alert faster too. He didn't need to sleep nearly as much as he needed to be there for his boyfriend.

-

The first thing that tipped Kravitz off that something was different about this pardon was the emptiness of the hall the ceremony always took place in.

The ceremony itself was a more recent development of the pardon. It was open to attendance by the Queen's Reapers, and the most loyal mortal followers of either the Raven Queen or Istus.

Before this all began, Kravitz had actually wondered if an invitation might be extended to Taako, Magnus, and Merle, but he hadn't said anything when it wasn't. This was a rather solemn ceremony due to its nature, and so he could hardly blame the gods for not wanting to invite the chaos magnets that were Tres Horny Boys.

Still, he had expected for there to be others in attendance beside himself. He knew that Lup and Barry hadn't been invited, but they were so new, and the Queen couldn't trust them quite as much as her other reapers, so again, it wasn't that strange.

But there was no one. His footsteps echoed as he walked the Hall to greet the gods.

He bowed deeply to the Raven Queen first, as was proper, before extended a second deep bow to Lady Istus.

When he raised his head to look at them, they both seemed concerned. Istus' concern was written all over her expressive face, in furrowed eyebrows and a frown, where his Queen showed hers through her body language and the fact that she seemed less expansive than usual, pulling herself together and closer to him to avoid intimidating him- not that he feared her generally- and moving as if to ensnare him and pull him closer to her in comfort.

It scared him. Something was wrong and he needed to know what it was.

"Kravitz," his Queen greeted, softly. "Before we begin the ceremony, I wish to tell you that you may choose not to perform this duty if you wish. But you may not speak of it to any living being, nor any other Reaper."

That was unusual. Kravitz had more leeway than most Reapers to choose his duties and tasks, given his status as favored by the Queen and his long years of experience, but that leeway was not unlimited. And his Queen had never given him express permission to turn down a task before.

"Thank you, my Queen," Kravitz said, as it seemed to be the best option. He would know the reason soon enough, so there was no point in asking.

The Raven Queen nodded, and she and Istus stepped back as one and joined hands.

"I love you." Istus began the ceremony as she always did. "And I am so grateful to have this time with you."

"I love you. And I am so pleased to work by your side for a common goal," the Raven Queen continued, and despite the somber feeling that still lingered in the air, their happiness was clear in the warm and gentle wind that moved about the room.

"I show my love to you by respecting your desires and customs," Istus intoned.

"I show my love to you by respecting your ideals and plans," the Raven Queen said.

"We join together this day to pardon one soul taken before their time," they said, together. "We ask the reaper Kravitz to carry out our task- to change the fate of one doomed by the missteps of mortals before their path leads them past the point of no return."

Kravitz didn't need to breathe, but it had become habit. In this moment, though, he held his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"On this day, we charge the reaper Kravitz with the protection of a soul that can no longer protect itself, that seeks an end to its pain."

Kravitz frowned deeply. That meant suicide. The suicides were always the most difficult to handle, in Pardon duties, but it couldn't just be that.

He desperately hoped that he wouldn't recognize the name. Maybe they just knew that it would be harder for him than usual, now that he spent so much time on the Material Plane with his family. Maybe they just wanted to give him a break. Maybe-

"Kravitz, we entrust you with the soul of Lucretia of Faerun."

_No._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Febuwhump alternate prompt: "please come back"

Kravitz kept the file on his Pardon duties for Lucretia in his workspace within the Astral Plane. He didn't usually spend much time there anymore, but it would be much less likely for any of his family members to accidentally stumble across the file there than it would be at home.

He'd asked why he couldn't tell the others about the situation, but the answer was the same as it always was. In Pardon, they were trying to derail a timeline that would have been. And the best way to successfully derail a timeline was to keep it as close to identical as possible, until the right moment. The more changes to the timeline, the more likely it was that things would change in unexpected and unpredictable ways, making it significantly more difficult for them to actually change the most important thing.

Kravitz understood the reasoning, even if he didn't like it. There had been far too many cases of Pardons gone wrong in that way, and this was one Pardon that he could not afford to make any mistakes on.

He would never want to make a mistake on Pardon duties, of course, but this one was all the more so, because he knew how much it would crush his family members if he failed.

And so he wouldn't tell the others, because they hadn't known in the timeline where Lucretia died, and he trusted the goddesses to know best how to accomplish this.

Istus had shown him the scene of Lucretia's would-be death, after he insisted upon it. She had been unsure if that would be a good idea, but he'd been certain that it would be necessary. He'd always seen the death scenes on earlier Pardon duties, and it was useful in order to know how to properly avert the death. It was motivating as well, to see the grief of loved ones and to _know_ how important this was.

And though he dreaded seeing the grief element on this occasion, he needed any useful information he could get, no matter how much it might hurt to see it. This was more important than any of his earlier Pardon duties, and he couldn't afford to risk anything.

Istus had explained that he would have been present at part of the particular moment she was intending to show him, and that it might be disorienting in more ways than just the obvious to witness it like this. Because he would be seeing the death scene through his own eyes, rather than as an invisible stranger.

He had never been present at Pardon deaths before, because he had no reason to be, but this time he would experience the scene as a player in it, instead of simply a bystander.

He'd thanked her for the warning, but continued to insist that he be allowed to witness it.

Even though he knew what he was going into, it still felt like a punch in the stomach to see Lucretia's corpse.

Kravitz tried to remain detached and to take in the details, but it was hard when everywhere he looked, he saw members of his family suffering.

He- the version of him that would have been- was watching Barry and Lup with pity as they refused to admit that someone needed to take Lucretia's soul to the Astral Plane. The light that made up Lucretia's soul was present, but not aware of anything, which was very common with these kinds of deaths. She didn't want to be present here, and so she wasn't.

Lup was holding Lucretia's corpse as she cried, refusing to look to where Lucretia's soul hovered, motionless, beside them, because then she would have to admit to the reality of the situation.

"Please, Lucy," she whispered, desperate. "You can't leave, please. Come _back_."

Her voice broke on the last word, and Lucretia's soul flickered in alarm at the sound, a tiny flash of awareness for the first time, but of course there was nothing that she could do, if she even wanted to.

"I don't want to take her if one of you would prefer to do it," Kravitz heard himself say. "But someone needs to do it soon. The Queen's mercy only extends so far."

"We'll do it," Barry said, and his voice was hoarse and his eyes full of tears.

He reached out to pull Lup to her feet and into him, and Lup went, holding his hand as if it were a lifeline.

Barry used his free hand to grab Lucretia's soul, holding her so very gently, and he sobbed as he pulled her closer to him.

Lup reached out to the soul as well, protective and longing in the same moment. Kravitz could see the temptation to do something inadvisable in her eyes, but he said nothing, knowing that it was only a momentary fantasy, and letting her have her moment of hopeful delusion, since she wouldn't act on it anyway.

As the two of them disappeared with the soul cradled carefully between them, Kravitz sighed, looking back to the body, his mind cataloguing the place, the cause of death, the time of day, filing it away to think about later.

He felt his body moving without his permission, the alternate self turning, and his heart broke as he took in Taako, sitting on the floor, staring at where Lucretia's corpse still lay, the grief and horror apparent in his frame.

Kravitz had really been hoping that Taako wouldn't be present here- that he wouldn't have to see his boyfriend grieve one of his family members.

Of course, his alternate self moved to him, and as he sat down beside him, Taako turned and buried his face in his chest, gripping his robes tightly as if he was the only thing keeping him grounded.

Kravitz wrapped his arms around Taako, murmuring comforting nothings to him as he felt tears start to soak through his cloak.

"I didn't mean it," he insisted, and Kravitz nodded, heart breaking for his boyfriend. "I didn't think-"

He broke down into tears as his words failed him, and Kravitz pulled him even closer, letting his head rest on top of Taako's.

From this angle, he could see more of the room, and he watched with eyes that were desperately trying to be clinical as Magnus wept beside Lucretia's body, and Davenport carefully closed her eyes and stared into space while absently petting her hair.

This was the moment that Istus had chosen to show him, and she must have decided on this one for a reason. The death scenes were always different, and this time he hadn't even seen the actual death itself, which must mean that he didn't need to see that part to get the information he needed.

He kept watching, and he saw Merle, holding a vial in his hands so tightly that Kravitz was surprised it hadn't broken.

That image, along with the state that her corpse had been in, told Kravitz everything he needed to know. She had poisoned herself.

Knowing that gave him a few options. He could easily portal into her rooms on the day she was to die and take the poison away. He wasn't sure when she was going to get the poison, but he could find a moment when she wasn't there and enact his plan. Perhaps best to replace it with a placebo, so that she wouldn't try something else when she realized the poison was gone.

Depending on what his family was doing that day, he also might have the option to interrupt her in the act.

However he did it, he needed to let his family know as soon as possible. It drove him crazy to know that he couldn't just tell them as soon as he got home, but he knew better than to do that.

Even though it had been a long time since he'd first failed at Pardon duties, he still remembered it vividly. He had been so certain that if he'd just told that boy's family what he was planning, they would support him and he would be safe.

And they had- swarming him with love and care, keeping a close eye on him, never leaving him alone.

And he'd still killed himself. It had been in a different way than the first time around, but he'd still done it. On the same day and everything, because the rubber band timeline had stretched too far and it snapped back into its original arrangement _hard._

There was a reason that Pardons necessitated the cooperation of two goddesses. Changing something as grand as the end of a life wasn't easy. It was complicated and difficult and the goddesses couldn't just snap their fingers and fix it, powerful as they were.

He would hold his tongue on the subject until the day of Lucretia's death passed, and he would make sure that she would survive. He refused to do anything less.

The file containing the plan of action he'd come up with alongside his Queen and the lady Istus was in office in the Astral Plane because he knew that his family was less likely to snoop there.

So he was immediately on edge when he stepped into that space and found Barry poking through his files.

"What are you doing?" Kravitz demanded, knowing that the way he responded would be weird and suspicious, but unable to stop it anyway.

Barry jumped slightly, looking over to Kravitz with a surprised expression.

Of course he was surprised. He had no idea of why Kravitz was so afraid of him finding that file. Even knowing that Kravitz had a mission that was more secretive than most, Barry didn't know how essential it was to Kravitz that it remain secret.

"I noticed a pattern in some of our recent bounties. I wanted to cross-reference it with some of the older cases, and I knew you kept copies of them in your office," Barry explained, tone half annoyed, but not letting it show on his face.

"Please don't look through my files without me," Kravitz said, trying to keep his reaction under control. It wouldn't do any good to get Barry annoyed or worried. "Some of them contain very sensitive information."

"Yeah, okay, boss," Barry said, conceding the point with a nod. "I wasn't trying to snoop. Just figured it'd be easy for me to just grab them real quick since you were out."

"I know," Kravitz nodded back, grateful for Barry's willingness to let it go. It was real weird sometimes to work so closely with his two in-laws. It wasn't the first time that Barry or Lup had crossed a line he wouldn't allow from one of the other reapers, because of his sheer familiarity with the two, and he couldn't really blame Barry for this when he hadn't made the boundaries clear.

Kravitz cleared his throat, feeling that he ought to offer Barry an explanation. "Pardon duty can be complicated, and the Queen and Istus feel that it is best for the details of the case to be kept quiet. I- it's very important to me that I do this right, so I may have overreacted when I saw you here. I apologize."

"Oh, yeah, that makes sense," Barry agreed, expression softening. "You're, uh, saving somebody or something, right?"

"Yes," Kravitz said. "A soul unfairly lost. The goddesses do not do this often, so when they try- when they try and I fail them, it is very difficult to bear."

"Well, I mean, we're here for you, man," Barry said, stepping forward to pat Kravitz on the back comfortingly. "Talk to us if you need to, okay?"

"I will," Kravitz said, not sure how he could manage that without revealing any details of the situation, but certain that his family would do their best to help even if he couldn't.

"So, uh, what files did you need?" Kravitz shook himself from the moment.

Barry told him the relevant case numbers while staying a fair distance away from the files themselves, which Kravitz appreciated, as a gesture of sincerity if nothing else.

"Don't forget, family dinner tonight!" Barry said, as Kravitz handed the files over. He then checked his watch and winced. "Actually, scratch that, we should go back now if we don't wanna be late."

Kravitz nodded, grateful for the reminder. Taako didn't like that he was spending so much more time at his Astral Plane workspace than usual to begin with, and he was sure to be put out if Kravitz didn't make it family dinner.

It was just a lot easier to lose track of time here than in the Material Plane. And maybe that was another reason why Kravitz preferred to work on the Pardon case here. The hazier sense of time, the routine that he'd had for centuries before meeting Taako- it made the Pardon feel a little less close to home. He could think about his plan without getting overwhelmed with sadness and fear quite so much.

Barry ripped a path to home for them, and Kravitz smiled approvingly at it. Barry was getting extremely good at his various Reaper skills, and Kravitz was proud of his progress.

When they got back, they greeted their respective partners, who were happy to see them but quickly shooed them out of the kitchen so that they could focus on finishing dinner.

Barry and Kravitz got the table ready, as they always did, knowing that Taako and Lup had a tendency to forget the very important element of plates and silverware until the last minute, whereupon they would claim that it had been intentional laziness not to set the table because they'd already done 'the real work.'

As Kravitz set out the plates and counted them to make sure they had enough, he realized that this would be the first time he would see Lucretia since finding out that she was the target of his Pardon duties, and his heart faltered in its beat for a second. He wasn't sure if he was prepared for that.

Given how soon her suicide was set to occur, she must already be thinking about. Kravitz didn't know how he was supposed to sit at the same table as her, knowing that she was doing that badly, without breaking down. He wasn't especially close to her, but he liked her and he wasn't so heartless as to refuse to offer her comfort under normal circumstances.

He would just have to remind himself that he couldn't afford to offer her that comfort yet without risking her death. Maybe he could ease her sadness a little in the short term by saying something tonight, but he was risking her long-term happiness and safety by doing so.

Even knowing that, he was sure that it wasn't going to be an easy evening. But he would do it. He couldn't afford not to.


End file.
